Feeling really down today. I keep thinking how I could just end it all. I’ve probably made some permanent mistakes and life will be shitty anyways. If I just had the courage I would end it tonight. I’m done with it all. I just want to not be here anymore. Life isn’t enjoyable. I hate it all, I hate everything.

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Last night…

I drank last night and I feel so anxious today. I had sex last night and I feel so guilty today. I didn’t sleep last night and I feel so tired today. I feel angry and agitated and sad. At the same time I tell myself it’s okay I just relapsed but how many times will I relapse ? How many times? How many drinks, how many guys ? I just feel over it all… I keep saying I am going to this or that and I drive myself crazy with the thoughts but no action. When will I have had enough? I am very self aware but unable to stop. Does anyone else go through that?

 

Until next time

Cass ❤

Change of heart

I started this blog last year with the intent of posting positive quotes and my personal baking recipes. After my divorce however I noticed it was more of a release of my feeling and it got a little dark for a while. Now that I have had time to explore word press a little more and see others post about mental health and illnesses I decided that maybe that isn’t a bad thing. this could be my outlet and some might find that they have similar experiences and my blog could help them. I am not sure exactly how I will go forward with my writing style but I am excited that maybe I’ve found my blogging purpose.

 

Until Next Time,

Cass ❤

One more night

I will only stay with him one more night

I will only drink for one more night

I will only smoke again one more night

I won’t face my feelings right now, just one more night

I’ll eat healthier I promise just one more night

I’ll work out in the morning I swear just one more night.

I’ll sleep by myself but wait just give me one more night

I can fix myself I know it… I just need one more night.

Enigma

He is an enigma I am dying to understand. His flaws draw me in and keep me pushing to find out how amazing he really is. He makes my heart tremble, and my emotions go into chaos. This whole experience is like a roller coaster of intense new emotions and feelings I haven’t felt before. I just want to stay in his arms all night and forget the world. It’s so easy to forget all the things of the world with him. He’s like medicine, taking away all the pain of yesterday…

Until the morning light comes, and his sober mind is no longer kind. His touch is no longer warm, his smile doesn’t light up my world… He becomes himself and that I can’t take. I like the sweet him not overwhelming but just enough. And the funny him, the better him. Sober feels different, dark and cold.

I want to know his deepest secrets and understand how his mind work. i want to stay through the storm but then watch him shine like I know he will. I want the real him, no drugs, alcohol or sex appeal. Just raw emotions to take in. I wanna know the real him. Who hurt him to be this way, what did he see, what did he feel? When do I get let in to see the truth behind those dark green eyes..

I could go on and on but just know this he is the enigma I am dying to fix.

For now

It is so strange dating again after being married for 4 years. The most frustrating part is I have no idea what I want. I am seeing someone now who I know will never give me the care and affection that I give to him…unless he’s drunk. super drunk. But I can’t seem to walk away. He’s all I want right now. Maybe deep down i’m not ready for a serious commitment and serious feelings. I know for sure our entire “relationship” doesn’t make sense to anyone else. But for me, and for now it’s OK. I know one day I’ll want more. I’ll want the love he could never ever give me. I’ll want dates, and flowers and spontaneity but for now I’m okay with just sitting with him in his room, watching him like some watch the moon.

 

Until next time,

Cass ❤

Summer lover

I stood there in the rain, smoking my last cigarette.

I watched him, like some watch the moon.

oh how I knew we would end, I knew since we began.

We were just two broken people afraid to be alone.

I love the way he kept me occupied in idle time. The way his lips touched mine.

Then the anger began, like nothing I’d ever seen and I ran.

Ran from a soul more broken than mine. The kind that can only be fixed by something divine.

And just like the moon he was never the same each night :/

Feelings

It’s hard sometimes to put in words how you feel. Especially when those feelings are fleeting and constantly changing.

Today I feel OK and ambitious

Tomorrow I feel defeated and full of wishes

In June I feel the happiness of sun rays bouncing off my skin

In December I’ll hate the skin I’m in.

Feelings come and go as well as people, that’s no reason to watch life through the peephole.

Embrace the change and the fact that feeling EVERYTHING is better than feeling nothing.

Easier said than done but it’s something…

 

 

First poem

We all want to be someone else sometimes

We all want someone to stay and read between the lines

The hard part about life is trying to figure it out

The hard part about like is being stuck

The easiest part is falling in love. With someone else or yourself.

Take care of you first

Take care of you the most

Make sure you stay afloat.

 

One step at a time

Today was a good day. I had energy, I thought positive. I was overall relaxed and steady. I’m happy when I feel this way. I’m happy when i feel confident in the future. I feel inspired today and lighter. I’m not so worried today. I kinda feel like everything will work itself out. Every little thing is not the end of the world. Remember rule #6, Don’t take yourself to seriously.