Depression is one hell of a drug.

I am not unfamiliar with melancholy. I do not thrive in it, I spend hours, days, months just trying to survive it. I miss calls, I scroll aimlessly, writing my one true love is absent. I miss being alive, living this crazy, gorgeous and tumultuous life. I miss taking pictures of rain drops on leaves in the fall and the spring. Poolside vibes and laughing with the girl I’d trust with my life. I miss feeling my heartbeat outside of a panic attack in my work place bathroom. I miss feeling alive…

Until next time,

Cass ❤️

The danger of loving too much…

The idea that a relationship should be 50/50 is a good one on the surface. In reality though, it should be 100/100. Most people only give what they have to, what they can get by with giving. Others give entirely too much, carrying the entire load on their fragile back trying not to lose a person who hardly wants to be there.

That love: the unrequited, the underappreciated and overcompensating comes from a deeper place. It is a cry and a search for validation. “I will give you everything and all I ask is you give me in return the things I need” But those needs are the bare minimum. You should not have to run yourself into the ground for someone to stick around and value you for all the incredible and unique things that you are.

These relationships have . You give 100% always tying to get what you deserve and they give a sliver to get the things they do not deserve. It is a vulnerable place to be in. On the outside it looks ridiculous. We live in a strange society where this vulnerability is seen as a weakness, you know, “a pick me, a simp, a clown” Are they though? Is it fair to taunt a person whose only fault is giving the right kind of love to the wrong kind of person.

Take care and until next time,

Most people fall into these relationships trying to appease their inner child, the one neglected by parents, bullied in school, conditioned to believe they have to fight tooth and nail to make someone love them. It is definitely a faultless imperfection that will continue in cycles and for generation if it is never addressed. There is a deep danger in loving too much, blindly and most of the time with far too much allegiance to another human being. No one should ever allow you to love them more then you love yourself and that included you not allowing it either. We all know that “how you love yourself is an example to other of how to love you”. Never run yourself into insanity trying to make a person love you but overcompensating love in a relationship because that same love you are trying so hard to give, you are worth receiving. And if you need a reminder here is a poem I wrote about it.

Take care and until next time, Cass.

You deserve a love that complements you not completes you.

A love that wants you as much as you want it not one that conveniently needs you.

A love that you never have to question if it’s real or if it will up and leave you. 

A love that finds you as you are flaws and all and never tries to change you.

You deserve a love so profound and true you won’t sit in fear wondering if it will break you.

Because that love you’re trying so hard to give, you’re worth recieving.

You deserve a love that leaves you dancing with life not one that leaves you silently grieving.

You deserve to find that love within yourself before you can find it in or give it to anyone else

It comes from inner healing.

Find that first and know your worth because that same love you are trying so hard to give…

You are worth recieving.

C. M Edwards poetry

Open Book

I’ve always been an open book. Sometimes I find it to be a flaw, my ability to be so vulnerable with people. To leave my pages wide open to be torn out and taken away. Other times I find it to be my greatest strength, I do not know where I would be if I let things fester inside.

Currently I am at a crossroad. Through different pains, whether romantic heartbreaks or even the severances of friendships I find myself wanting to completely shut down. I tell myself I will not ever let another person in. I will live this life all on my own and never allow another human to hold the power to break me down. That is not who I am though, I am not sure how to be anything other than who I am and that partially makes me happy. Authenticity.

Growth is knowing ( as much as one can) who to trust. I no longer vent to friends who tell me other peoples business about my business. In love I am cautious to not over extend myself or give an intense and sacred love I will not receive in return. That is apart of my journey. Everyday I am learning new things and even still I make the same mistakes. But as many know “there is power in vulnerability”, just make sure there is not too much power going into the wrong hands. In healing, however you do it, it is important to not also be counteractively hurting yourself in the process.

That’s all I have for now, I hope you can take something and if you are able leave something in the comments.

Take care and until next time,

Cass

Pieces make the big picture

Sometimes I find myself putting together pieces of information that break my heart. Partials of stories and truths that make up harsh realities we do not want to face but our minds are one step ahead of our hearts. I believe that is what saves us. The person on the other end telling the lies is giving you what you need to see who they truly are. You might not even have to read in between the lines, the depths of their heart, mind and soul is being handed to you straight from the source and still we try to look away, try to repaint where we believe our colors would look better.

I love to learn. I love being in school, meeting new people and hearing their stories and experiences, so when I learn a lesson I like to move on. There is no interest in my intellect to keep repeating the same patterns and learning the same lessons. Take what people give you, as ugly and heart wrenching as it may be and learn the lesson then move on. I’m sure you know the quote by Maya Angelou “When someone shows you their true colors, believe them”. It is quite the disservice to yourself and others to run from the truth. We are very intricate beings in the sense that we see the signs and hear the message of someone not treating us properly for fulfilling our souls needs. Listen to that voice and then move on and keep painting your bigger picture. The right pieces will always find their place and the wrong ones will always stand out.

Take care and Until next time,

Cass

Unrequited love

I have always had a crush. I have not always been crushed on. This trend started in middle school where I’d be pining over some poor shmuck and unbeknownst to them did I even exist. It is a draining battle, trying to make someone like you or even more harrowing, love you.

Fast forward to my current relationship. Here I sit after midnight thinking ” Ah fuck, what did I do this time to not deserve human decency”. It is an agonizing feeling. Do I self sabotage? Am I unlovable? These are rhetoric questions of course and by no means a plea for pity. Yes I adore those who swoop in and tell me my worthiness but cut the tomfoolery. I want real answers not reassurances. Every person I have ever loved has left but not before they took pieces of me, not small slivers either, boulders of my being I may never get back.

My question is, what did I put out to deserve it? I’d like to think am a huge fan of righting my wrongs, fixing my imperfections or as my generation loves to shout (toxicity). I do not want to be a hard to love kind of gal. I want to be valued, appreciated and as we all do I want to be wanted not just conveniently needed.

Tell me please of a time you may have felt this way and how you got through it. Are there unlovable people out there? I prefer to think not, we must simply be trying to be loved by the wrong ones.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time, take care.

Cass

Je ne sais quoi

I have a terrible time putting my thoughts into words. Probably because I am afraid of how they will sound out loud and certainly because my mind is always moving a million miles a minute, ideas being lost in translation or just forgotten. Purpose is a concept I have been pondering on these past few months. The who am I’s and What am I meant to do’s. It almost becomes so overwhelming that I simply do nothing at all. Complacency is the word I believe but I’m not satisfied at all. I am happy in moments but it is fleeting, drowned out my fears and insecurities that we all encounter at some time or another in our lives. Je ne sais quoi, I don’t know what I am meant to somedays. On days like that, like today, I come here and I say all these crazy words I am afraid will sound absolutely ridiculous out loud because I would rather have them out here than running amuck in my mind prohibiting me from getting to wherever it is I am meant to go.

The world is heavy these days, sometimes we can pinpoint the cause and sometimes it lies in a gray area. So wherever you are today, just know it is okay to not know right now. It is okay to not be okay somedays. You are most likely doing your best and if you keep doing it, and keep going, you are bound to reach a magnificent destination.

Until next time, Take care!

Cass

Avant Garde

I know I promised weekly post in my initial posts but you know how life and take the reign at times.

I have been thinking much lately about how I want my life to play out. A silly thought I know, practically laughable as our lives rarely go according to our plans. That does not mean you can’t make them however. I have always chased this dream of happiness, peace and success. Whether being a writer, a DJ, a teacher what have you. I just want to make an impact. I think it is something we all ought to aspire to achieve.

So tell me, because I would love to interact more and get to know you all, What do you aspire to? What is your Grande life plan?

Introduce it here and them make it happen, Avant Garde!

Talk with you soon,

Cass.

C’est La Vie

The past few weeks have been quite interesting. I’ve found myself finding out amazing things about me and rediscovering old passions, like reading, shopping and even meeting new people. I was always such an avid reader and when adulting took over I lost the desire. I read a few books in my short 3 week break between semesters and it feels wonderful. I read about love, food, Paris and writers just like myself. I felt alive again. I love that feeling.

I have always written, in poems and diaries about what I want. A life of happiness, luxury, comfort.  I read it in books, I see it in movies and shows but here I am restless and not enthused by much. I have moments, even hours, riddled with anxiety and I wonder, will I ever know peace, will I ever know happiness? Truly. C’est La vie of course. I am not certain of what the future will bring but I do know when I look at my past and compare it to my present, I have come so far. I have so much further to go. I have goals and dreams like you reading this post, like anyone. I want to not only read about fabulous things in life but write about them as well. I want to live a fabulous life. Sounds crazy yeah? You know what they say, the greatest always are.

Take care until next time,

Cass

Today, Tomorrow, Yesterday.

Frequently I find myself waking up in a fit of panic “What do I need to do today? What should I have gotten done yesterday? and what the heck do I need to do to prepare for tomorrow?”. This has become exceptionally exhausting because by the time I am finished berating myself for sleeping 3 hours past my wake up time (rest I needed and deserved) I am far to frazzled to focus on any task at hand. I wake up thinking of homework, laundry, fitness, meeting my boyfriend’s parents, studying for my final and in the end I get nothing done.

I am a “if you want it, go get it” thinker. However there are times I have trouble deciphering what I truly want because I am pulled thin in so many different directions. I remember my step father telling me in high school when I tried to be in one too many extra circulars “Kid, you should focus on being good at one or two things rather than being mediocre at an abundance of things”. These words still ring true for me today. I work a full time job, I am working on my undergraduate degree while already thinking of graduate plans, I have oodles of friends, a new boyfriend, I won’t even continue to go on as we all face these things so I know you get the gist of what I am saying.

We are constantly told to remain present, we are not promised tomorrow and we cannot change yesterday, all those mantras. I can’t help it though because how can we think of today without flashes of the past and future. We all know that tomorrow is not promised and yesterday is but a memory, the only access we have to it is etched in our brains. We should still remember the lessons of yesterday and keep the ambitions for tomorrow. But stressing over any of them not only does nothing effective for us, in fact it inhibits us from focusing on the important things at hand. We all have many tasks to do but is that truly all our days are worth? Are we still living and enjoying life if it is only about what we do in a day?

Today I choose the present because it is all I have. I not only choose today but simply this very moment as I type these words to you. I have yet to do laundry, my final is still a week and my boyfriend will be picking me up in 2 hours and I will face it all when the time comes. I chose peace just now because time is a tricky thing I cannot control nor do I wish to. Today is about what I can control. I made that choice to come here and write to you all. I know I always get the laundry done, I study well even if I wait until last minute and I get good grades, I have met parents before and I do it best when I put my most authentic self forward. Every goal we set can be completed, one step at a time. The days can be long and overwhelming no matter which one you are focusing on. So I ask you to join me today Monday July 27th 2020 and be present in this very moment because yesterday has passed and left us a lesson and tomorrow does hold many promises, but be here right now, it is a wonderful place to be.

Take care and until next time,

Cass.

I want, I am.

My mind is always racing, I often refer to it as NASCAR. I have a thought and in the next moment it is gone but I know it will eventually come back around. There are many things I wish to achieve in this life. I want to be a poet, I am a poet. I want to be a writer, I am a writer. The things I dream of seem to just be dreams. Sometimes I think, if I dream about them hard enough the will come to life but we all know that is not how life works. I want many things in this world, I am stuck in my head though.

I keep waiting. I have spent much of my life waiting for my dreams to come to life. I am recently learning about conflict resolution and critical thinking two important concept in getting from where you are to where it is you would like to be. I know what I want but I am only learning what it takes to get there. If I want to be a writer then I should simply just write yes? Well I do but then I close my notebook or my Samsung notes and those words sit there unbeknownst to the world. I am a writer but I am the only one who knows it, I am the only one who reads my words.

Fear is an awful prison of the mind we can find ourselves confined in. When I write my words, with passion and authenticity, but the thought of publishing them seems fraudulent.  “Impostor syndrome” it can be labeled as I suppose. So, then I think to myself maybe I am not a writer, perhaps I should just settle for something else and that thought frightens me far more. Giving up before trying is much worse than trying and maybe failing.

Here I am, not finished with my English degree, not in the perfect place in my life where my dreams are “allowed” to begin but starting them anyway. I am letting all these words out for the first time and I am afraid but that is alright as I am also human. I want to be a poet, I am a poet. I want to be a writer, I am a writer. I manifest this and anyone chasing a dream should manifest theirs as well. We can think about it and fantasize about it all day but until our brains go numb with self doubt or we can do it just as every dreamer before us has. Whatever it is you are dreaming of, you are already it!

Take care until next time,

Cass