Update on Smoking Cigarettes. JUST DON”T DRINK!!

If you remember on day 20 of sobriety I naively attempted to quit smoking cigarettes. It did not work out and many of my sober peers advised me to wait until AT LEAST 6 months sober before any other life changes. this includes diet and exercise too guys. We make a major life change getting sober and it is the most important. The rest will fall into place I promise you. So smoke you cigarettes, eat your carbs, binge watch netflix. JUST DON”T DRINK!!!! Okay go read my recent post!!

Until next time,

Cass ❤

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Am I at 3 months yet?

OMG why is my second month taking a year lmao. I keep checking my progress on my I Am Sober app and I’ve been here forever. All is good though, I’m learning it is not all about the length but the progress being made. I finally, FINALLY finished my step 1 and it was brutal because that’s when you are recalling all your drinking patterns and behaviors. I immediately wanted to make amends with so many people but I’m gonna wait that one out. I’m quite sure I’m off the pink cloud and it isn’t as harsh as I though it’d be. I am happy every morning I wake up sober. I have been present for so many family and friends that I would have been so absent for mentally if I was still drinking. I found myself confessing things on paper I swore I’d take to the grave and I feel a weight lift off my shoulders that I thought I’d have to carry all my life. This is just the beginning. I feel free, capable, and not as afraid as I once was because I know that life will happen that is just inevitable. But I am sober every day and no longer harming and killing myself. For that I am so grateful. So no matter what life throws my way I have already done one of the hardest battles I will face. I got sober. With the help of my higher power I will stay sober. To everyone out there just beginning this journey, keep fighting, keep going, stay strong and you are not alone. That’s all for now.

Until next Time,

Cass ❤

73…

I feel tired tonight. It’s 2:23am and I just woke up from what was supposed to be a quick nap. I always wake up from naps with this weird feeling of impending doom like I missed something important or I could have used the time to be productive. I got home at 7pm and after a long day of anxiety and racing thoughts, I felt so defeated I just went straight to bed. It’s the first time I slept good in a long time. Now I’m up and the thoughts are flooding in. I’m tired of ruminating in my head about the same scenarios. I feel stuck, I know eventually I have to make amends with all I did in my days of drinking but I keep persecuting myself for the same things everyday. This is the first time I’m revisiting old memories and coming to terms with everything that’s lead up to this day without alcohol. Its feels relieving because I’m doing it but exhausting because it takes work, but hard work pays off I suppose. Today on a mini road trip with my bestfriend I talked about my childhood and adolescent life, a topic I run from on a daily and I found myself letting it all out before I knew it I had told her every detail up into our present moment and it was a hard pill to swallow but I did and without alcohol to wash it down. It was a big step and when I was done I realized man, if I made it through all that I can make it through anything. This sober experience alone has shown me strength that 2+ months ago I didnt know I had. So here’s to working through all the shit that we drank over in a healthy way. Just let it out…

Until next time,

Cass ❤

67!

I’m still here and sober! It has been a crazy week! Meeting so many new people. Listening to lots of encouraging music and reading sobriety books. I’ll be back on a little later for a better update. Keep on keeping on!

Until next time,

Cass❤

60 days!!!!… in a few hours lol

Hey Hey!! I’ve been trying to get on here and post for a few days now but ya know, life! Tomorrow is Sunday and will be 60 days sober for me. I am beyond excited about it. My face is clearing up and honestly glowing a bit which makes me smile. Sleep is still tricky, some nights I’m out like a light by 11 pm and others I’m watching Ellen clips on YouTube until 3 am. I am so comfortable being alone at home now and actually look forward to the time I get with myself to reflect on things at the end of my day, I’m finding balance as well, sometimes I want to spend extra time with people and sometimes I just wanna chill alone. My biggest obstacles this week were dealing with outside stress from friends and family, I get so wound up whenever I’m in confrontation with those close to me I become drastic, Like, (“I’m gonna move to another city and never speak to anyone again!!”) drastic. It came down to really having to allow myself to distance myself from anyone who is a threat to my sobriety, as an emotional drinker I have to be very careful of what I let in right now and that’s okay.

“The obsession”, ads for alcohol are really triggering for me. I spent one Saturday unable to get the thought of taking shots of liquor out of my head after seeing an ad for Crown Royal on Instagram, it was rough, I felt so overwhelmed and had to reach out to my support system a few times that day for support. I even cried for letting a 30 second ad throw me for such a loop. Once I make it through these rough days though I feel even more empowered to keep pushing forward, I know I am still in a fragile place and I am taking all the precautions to stay strong. Despite all the annoying things, I am so happy every day I wake up and go to bed sober (even if it’s at 3 am lol). I am happy knowing I can handle things I said I couldn’t just a couple months ago without alcohol. Progress not perfection, I still have a long way to go!!

Until Next Time,

Cass ❤

Waves… Day 52.

Man oh man. I’ve logged on numerous times and went to write and my brain just turned to playdoh. This whole week has been on auto pilot. Not going terrible but nothing too exciting. The highlight of my days have been my meetings. Immediately people were welcoming, I never felt like an outsider. In fact I have never felt like I belong somewhere so much. I get so excited everyday to go and bond with these people who I didn’t even know a month ago through all our experiences. One of my meetings someone talked bout the waves in early sobriety. Your brain is rewiring and doing things sober again is so new and exciting but also nerve wrecking. Today the obsession was real. I kept seeing ads for liquor online and it was frustrating but some days it doesn’t even cross my mind. Some days I am filled with emotions and just want to scream but other days it is smooth sailing and I feel so good. So now understanding that I am able to step back on the days where my emotions are high or my obsession with liquor is running wild and realize this is temporary and a wave that i just have to ride out. That has made it so much easier to navigate through the day and also safer for me, I am a person who can’t risk going to extreme into an emotion because i won’t make good decisions. I’m still getting the hang of this thing. The best part is waking up every morning knowing I made it to another day with few regrets! Falling in love with the process.

Until next time,

Cass ❤

Emotional being

Ok, ok, ok. Last night was rough to say the least but I made it through! Dare I say I was a little over dramatic? The thing is I have always been a very emotional person, that is what lead me to drinking in the first place as a teenager. I get so wrapped up into the emotions and what I’m feeling that I act in a distorted way. Recognizing that now and it’s relation to abusing alcohol is helpful. When I get there and I’m Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. I immediately get myself to a meeting or reach out to my support system. Last night was so late I didn’t have either of those options so I came here, my safe place to vent. When I get so carried away in emotion I get scared honestly because I know I can’t make the best decisions in that moment so it is taking all my will power to push through those foggy moments until I see clear again. I’m glad I made it through last night because waking up I realized I got this. I’m in control now and I have so much further to go. Also, Thank you for the encouraging words in my comments, those play a big role in this journey. Here’s to another sober day even though the cool pink cloud thing is going away and reality is setting in, nothing beat waking up in the morning knowing I made it to another day with few regrets.

Until next time,

Cass ❤

42…

What a rough few days. The obsession over alcohol is real. Emotions are high and sleep is a complete joke. My mind is racing with thoughts and while I have so many exciting ideas I feel paralyzed at the same time. I want to move forward, but I’m stuck here just ruminating about every little thing. I feel like I’m living the same day over and over, waking up, working, going to a meeting and coming home to immerse myself in social media. I want to just go, go somewhere new and start all over. I’m hurting and there is no alcohol to fall back on. Just raw emotions. I was on a high of being sober but now I am just existing and going through the motions. I can’t even cry. I feel so small, so alone, so empty. Reality is hitting hard and I’m afraid honestly. The thoughts are getting darker and the motivation is getting lower. I’m angry, so angry and I don’t know how to deal with it…

Until next time,

Cass❤

1 month, 10 days

Emotions are high y’all!! Many changes in these 40 days of sobriety. I am feeling more motivated to tackle things on my long over due to do list, I am handling situations well and just focusing on my goal of staying sober and bettering my life. The first thing on my list is to get this divorce. I am not staying on this emotional roller coaster with this man a moment longer. I am getting things going this week. Next is to really reevaluate how I view myself, I am one to look at myself from the eyes of others, always critiquing and trying to fix fix fix! I am 24 years old it is about time I love myself as I am, Not when I am Skinny or have money but NOW. Staying present is a big one as well, I am one to ruminate over the past and obsess over the future but I need to fall in love with the now and trust the process. I’ve never been into that “new year, new me” bullshit but I am excited about the new adventures this year will bring, oops there I go haha. One day at a time!

Something I learned this week was not every situation deserves a reaction. Use your energy to do great things! Let others keep their negative energy over there! I get more energy everyday and I don’t have any to give away to the wrong people. We get ONE life and in this life many mistakes are made but the biggest for me is staying in the same spot and not getting up and moving on. I am inspired by my own journey to get up and get moving and invest my time and energy into things that will make my life the most and best it can be! That’s all for now.

Until next time,

Cass ❤

Day 31… Changes

So last night I received my 30 day chip. It was such a great feeling. I went home alone of course like I’ve been doing. My roommate texted saying she’d be there in the morning to move all her stuff. I haven’t seen the house half empty yet and I am just coming to terms with all these changes. This year…man… so many changes. I separated from my husband, moved all over until finding my own place, started new friendships that ended just as fast, lost good friends then got them back in sobriety, invited old toxic people back into my life. So much and I feel… tired but also for the first time in so many months I feel hopeful. Things have to change and getting sober was just the first step and a huge one. I am just taking it all one day at a time. I still haven’t checked my mail, or paid a few overdue bills but I know I’ll get there. I know things will be better, I have that choice to make them better.

I don’t want to set all these standards of how 2019 will be or where I think I’ll be in a year. I am always consumed with the past and the future, I can say the one thing I want to do is to focus on is the NOW, One Day At A Time. That’s all I can muster up right now honestly, and that’s OK, I feel good. And when I don’t feel good I remember it is only temporary, life is a roller coaster of emotions that come and go and I have to take it just as that. Things will not always be good and they will not always be bad and that’s OKAY. Cheers to 30 days sober and many, many more.

Until Next Time,

Cass ❤